NASHVILLE, TN — As an appeal to garner more public interest, Daily Wire co-founder and CEO Jeremy Boreing has announced he has hidden five golden Jeremy's Razors in five different Jeremy's Chocolate bars. The individuals fortunate enough to find the razors will reportedly receive prizes beyond their wildest dreams.
"Come with me…boy and girls…to a world of contract negotiation!" Boreing, wearing a brightly colored velvet suit and tie, sang melodically as he made the announcement. "Five very lucky people will discover golden Jeremy's Razors in their Jeremy's Chocolate! They will be whisked away to enjoy a day of wonder and amazement as they tour Jeremy's headquarters!"
The prolifically creative but sometimes reclusive and mysterious Boreing has kept the operations at his factories closely guarded. "My competitors are always trying to sneak in and learn the secrets of my world-class conservative content," Boreing explained. "The people who find the golden razors in their candy bars will get to see Matt Walsh, Candace Owens, and Michael Knowles up close! They won't be able to hide the joy on their faces!"
Some critics of the announcement expressed concerns. "Wait a second," said confused citizen Adam Kinnunen. "He's putting razor blades in candy bars? And everyone's excited about this? Isn't this like those old urban legends Christian parents used to tell their kids to scare them away from trick-or-treating for Halloween?"
Boreing brushed aside the criticism. "Don't try to censor me!" the eccentric conservative media mogul shouted. "You'll end up floating down the chocolate river like Crowder!"
At publishing time, three of the golden Jeremy's Razors had been found, but the individuals who found them were receiving medical treatment for serious injuries.
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