WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Biden today reassured citizens that he did not violate America's longstanding ban on negotiating with terrorists, because he just said 'yes' to whatever they asked for.

"I would never negotiate with terrorists! I'm Joe Biden!" screamed the President, as aides tried to calm him. "The Taliban guy - who by the way, was a lot friendlier than some of you so-called journalists - asked if we could leave on August 31st because that's his birthday. His birthday, ok? I just said, hey bucko, Uncle Joe loves birthday presents! You bet! You call that negotiating with terrorists? Hogwash!" 

President Biden also kindly granted requests from the Taliban for 600,000 weapons, identification biometrics for U.S. allies, control of Afghanistan, and a photo op of Biden groveling at the feet of a mujahideen. Biden was very diligent to ask for absolutely nothing for America in return, so as not to violate U.S. policy.

"Let me be clear - there was no quid pro quo here, not like that Trump fella," said Biden. "All I did was say yes sir! Well, I did ask if he would let Americans get to the airport, but he said no, so I'm not counting that. The fact is, I have handled this thing perfectly, and if I had it to do over again, I would do it perfectly again, just like I did the first time."

At publishing time, the Taliban had reportedly added a request for some Popeye's chicken sandwiches to be delivered by the Dallas Cowboys' cheerleaders, which Biden is working on from the Situation Room.