WASHINGTON, D.C.—After meeting with singer (?) Olivia Rodrigo, President Biden reportedly asked his aides to round up more female pop stars for him to get together with and "you know, promote stuff or whatever."
"That Olive girl really was something," he said, sighing, as he looked out the window. "Reminded me of when guys were guys and broads were broads. She had on some kind of fruit spray, peach, I think it was. I'd know that smell anywhere. Say, is Marilyn Monroe available? The young folks just love her, I tell you what."
As they put a bib on him and fed him pudding, Biden's aides assured him they were looking into getting more young, female pop stars to come and take photo ops with him, for which he was very grateful.
"It's really important th-that young, you know, that young people learn about, you know, the thing," he said, pantomiming a needle being injected into his arm. "Polio is real bad, and these social media-who-whatsits are literally killing people by not, you know, ffff-force... uh, forcing people to take the, the thing."
At publishing time, Biden's aides had conceded that he could meet one female pop star for every speech he got through without getting a number, date, or fact wrong. "Come on, man!" Biden said in response.