WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a move to help alleviate pain at the pump, the Biden Administration has announced a $1 billion initiative to provide grief and trauma counselors to stand by at all gas pumps across the nation.
The plan will fund licensed therapists and psychiatrists to stand at the ready at gas pumps from New York to California to comfort people mourning the loss of hundreds of dollars every time they fill up their tanks.
"There, there. It's gonna be OK," said one grief counselor as a woman filled up her VW at a gas pump in California. "Times like these can be difficult to cope with, but we can survive Putin's Price Hike if we look deep within ourselves for strength and guidance. Now, let's try some breathing exercises."
Another woman in Ohio burst into tears after paying over $3 for gas for the first time in her life.
"Shhh, shhh, it's OK, honey," said one therapist, stroking her hair. "You're going through the stages of grief. Soon, you'll learn to live with $10 gas. You literally won't even remember when gas was as cheap as it was during the Trump administration."
"I know, I know," the woman replied. "It's just so hard to accept. I miss... I miss Trump."
Biden has actually gotten pretty hands-on during this initiative, reporting that he plans to comfort young women at gas pumps himself from time to time "to help chip in." "It's the least I can do," he said before stationing himself at a gas pump and waiting for a cute young girl to pull up.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.