Home > Christian Living > Biblical List Of Requirements For Pastors Amended To Include Hebrew Tattoo...
Christian Living
Biblical List Of Requirements For Pastors Amended To Include Hebrew Tattoos

WORLD—An ecumenical gathering of Christian leaders issued an amendment to the biblical canon Monday, clarifying that getting a tattoo in the Hebrew language is in fact a prerequisite for becoming a leader in the local church.

The statement officially changes 1 Timothy 3 to read, “Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money, and inked with a dope Hebrew tat.” Similar tweaks were made to the list in Titus 1, according to the council of Protestant authorities.

“Getting a lit tattoo in one of the biblical languages is obviously in keeping with the spirit of Paul’s other requirements for elders and leaders in the church as laid out in the pastoral epistles,” one commentator at Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary said. “We would definitely recommend inking yourself a word written in Hebrew if you truly desire to become a teacher in the church—maybe even get a cool tribal design that melts away into a word like ‘shalom.’ That would be totally fire.”

Sources also confirmed that the chosen Hebrew word doesn’t have to be theologically significant, so long as it “looks really cool and authentic.”

Breaking: Paypal Now Available

Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.