CLEVELAND, OH — The Bible finally received a much-needed modern update called the Morally Gray Edition, which removes all outdated black-and-white morality that was found in prior editions.
The problem of Bibles being stuck in the past is itself now a thing of the past, as Pilgrim Press, a publishing arm for the progressive United Church of Christ, unveiled a new Bible translation that has been updated with modern cultural norms and morality in mind. Progressive and non-traditional theologians came together to make up the new Morally Gray Edition, which removes all the outdated absolute moral standards that conflict with today's society.
"Modern people don't have time to worry about whether or not God is happy with their lifestyle choices," said Pastor Karen Pressley. " They need a Bible that is suited for them, where morality is colored in beautiful shades of rolling and unfolding, radiant and ambiguous, gray. A morality rainbow, if you will."
"The Bible is really a choose-you-own-adventure book now, which is much better than God telling you what path is good and what path is bad, you know?"
When asked for their reason for the new Morally Gray Edition of the Bible, the theologians behind the project said that traditional Bibles were from a time when society didn't even know that men could get pregnant or that women could be pastors.
"We just know so much more about humans now, and how the humans that came before us were totally stupid compared to us moderns."
All the judgmental language about God's wrath and absolute moral laws regarding homosexuality, abortion, and the distinctions between men and women have now been removed, making a much smaller book. Instead, you'll open up the Morally Gray Edition and find lots of QR codes that point you to YouTube videos from progressive pastors telling you that everything is OK.
At publishing time, Pilgrim Press had announced the need for an even more modern revised version of the Morally Gray Edition, which will be further updated to remove all the outdated morality of the previous translation team.
Do you think you can guess which one is the terrorist?
