Bezos To Spend Newfound Free Time Bulldozing Small Businesses In Person
U.S.

SEATTLE, WA—With Jeff Bezos no longer running Amazon, sources are reporting that he's looking forward to spending some of his free time destroying small businesses like he always did. This time will be different, however, since he'll be bulldozing them in person.

"This has always been my passion," said Bezos with a jolly smile, "but I've never really been able to get my hands in the dirt, feel the air on my face, and hear the lamentations of the peasants while I'm doing it! I feel truly blessed."

Bezos then pushed a massive lever on his new bulldozer and plowed through a little building called Anna's Coffee & Book Shop.

"WOW! Invigorating!" said Bezos as he watched the glass, rubble, and dirt shower down around him.

Sources say Bezos is planning to spend his sunset years finding new and innovative ways to seek out and destroy small businesses after draining the uniqueness and value from each of them.

"It's ok-- I'm doing this for their own good," said Bezos. "Resistance is futile." 

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