LAKE CHAMPLAIN, VT — Vermont Senator, former presidential candidate, and former Swiftie Bernie Sanders was seen piling his entire collection of Taylor Swift albums and memorabilia into a barrel outside his lakehouse and lighting it on fire today upon learning Swift had officially become a billionaire.
"Out! Get out of my life! You disgust me, Tay Tay!" Sanders was heard shouting as he doused the barrel of music and merchandise with gasoline before setting it ablaze. "You sang the songs that told the stories of my heart, but now you have betrayed me and everyone else who believes people like you should pay their fair share!"
Swift was confirmed to have reached the status of billionaire following a successful summer of touring and the box office success of her Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour concert movie. While many of the singer's fans celebrated her success and hailed it as an impressive achievement, Sanders — who has led a movement built on his disdain for the uber-rich — saw her ascendance to the upper echelon of income as the ultimate slap in the face. "I can't believe it!" he raged. "How can I ever live with myself, knowing I gave my money to someone I loved only to find out they had become the very blood-sucking elitist I have sworn to destroy! Oh, the horror!"
At publishing time, the billowing column of smoke from Sanders's burning Taylor Swift items could be seen for miles. "Look what you made me do!" Sanders sobbed. "Now I have to pollute the environment to teach you a lesson! I am once again asking you to stop breaking my heart, T Swizzle!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
