NASHVILLE, TN — The drive-thru of a local Dunkin' Donuts was brought to a grinding halt this morning, as conservative media pundit, violinist, and doctor-husband Ben Shapiro continued his impassioned negative review of the new Barbie movie.
"This insipidly woke film has robbed me of all joy," Shapiro said as he leaned out of his car window and stared down the unsuspecting Dunkin' Donuts drive-thru worker. "I spent the entire two hours of the movie thinking of ways I could possibly end my life in the middle of the theater. I would rather eat a pile of Barbie-pink cow manure than ever watch that movie again."
Drivers in line behind Shapiro began honking their car horns in frustration as he carried on his diatribe for another 30 minutes. "This movie couldn't have been more ‘woke' if it starred Dylan Mulvaney in the title role," he said as he shook a clenched fist in rage. "When I got home, I took a shower because I felt like I had to wash the ‘woke' off of me. Only Hollywood could take a staple of American childhood like Barbie and make me hate it with the burning fire of ten thousand suns. I am boiling with fury even now as I think back on it…"
At publishing time, the shouts from angry customers behind him reached a crescendo as the confused drive-thru worker finally managed to get a word in. "Um, did you have a large, black coffee and a Maple Long John?" she asked before an exasperated Shapiro snatched the bag and sped away.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
