NEW YORK, NY — In an effort to draw more fans to baseball, Major League Baseball has done its best to make the sport less like baseball.
"Don't change that channel, sports fans - baseball isn't like baseball anymore," said announcer Joe Buck. "It's a whole new game, without all those boring baseball parts."
According to viewership data, fans much prefer the version of baseball that is less like baseball. "We've seen enormous growth in baseball viewership now that it's not so similar to baseball," said TBS President Mike Remington. "With this year's success, we're considering further changes in hopes of making the sport completely unrecognizable to America's pastime. It's the best hope to save baseball for the next generation."
Further proposed changes include making bases the size of a king-size mattress and making infielders play with bricks tied to their shoes. The pitch clock will be reduced to four seconds, and umpires will be replaced with robots for faster calls.
To keep some of the old baseball flavor, a robot Angel Hernandez umpire will also be created to make absurdly incorrect calls.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.