SHATTUCK, OK—As they do every year during the Christmas season, Fourth Street Baptist Church began a round of traditional Christmas carols. While singing the Christmas classic Deck The Halls, the congregation veered from the traditional lyrics and sang, “Don we now our straight apparel.”
“Satan has his evil influences everywhere nowadays, including our Christmas hymns,” said Pastor Buster Johnson while editing piles of sheet music lyrics with a black marker. “Vigilance is key.”
Johnson pointed out additional lines from the beloved classic that required editing:
- “See the blazing Yule before us,” changed to, “See the piping-hot casserole before us,” over concerns that the line hinted at celebrating the fires of Hell, or idolatrous worship of the pagan god Yule.
- “Troll the ancient Yule-tide carol,” changed to, “Sing the old-time gospel chorus,” over concerns that trolls seem a lot like demons, and Yule had been snuck in there again.
- “While I tell of Yule-tide treasure,” changed to, “While I tell of the treasures laid up in heaven for those who follow the old paths rather than that demonic pagan deity named 'Yule'.”
Following the performance of the heavily edited Deck The Halls, the congregation then sang Have Yourself a Biblical Little Christmas.
Gregory Ilinovich loves murdering people with illegal guns - so he's a bit concerned about all these new gun regulations. Luckily, he tends not to follow laws anyway.