Banks Begin Calling Customers To Ask For Loans
Finance · Mar 22, 2023 ·

U.S. — In a stunning development resulting from the faltering of the United States banking system, banks have now begun calling their customers and asking for loans. According to reports, thousands of desperate bankers have called up lendees to ask for a few bucks.

"So, uh... how's it hanging there... Rob A. Smith?" said one Fifth Third executive to Rob Smith in Chillicothe Ohio. "You enjoying that, um... 2013 Ford Fusion you financed with us? Yeah, such a great car, the Ford Fusion. How are the kids doing? So, um, while I have you on here, you don't think you could float me a couple thousand, could you? I promise I'll pay you back!"

The failures of Silicon Valley Bank in California and Signature Bank in New York earlier this month have not only spooked the public at large but also sent other banks across the country scrambling to ensure they can stay above water, even if it means asking people to whom they've loaned money to loan them some money back.

"We just need some extra funds to hold us over," said Alex Mayer, President of First Trust Bank in Chicago. "It's no big deal. It's not like we'll completely default and not have any cash to give customers when they want to withdraw and destroy all confidence our customers have in our institution and perpetuate the collapse of the entire banking system and usher in the fall of American society and, eventually, the apocalypse or anything. It's not like that at all!"

At publishing time, the bank was thrilled to have secured a loan from Todd, an electrician down the street, at a reasonable interest rate.

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