LAGUNA NIGUEL, CA — Authorities announced their arrival at the home of Blake Blertherberg with a terse knock on his front door. They were there to confiscate his man card after he had called a handyman to fix a faucet, like the sad excuse for a man he is.
"Blake Blertherberg, you are hereby charged with being soft, by the order of the Council of Manhood," said a bearded man who flashed a hand-welded badge while leading a group of equally-bearded men into the house. "Team, you know what to do."
The burly, hairy-armed men went to work, rifling through the home's plumbing and ductwork, then meticulously cataloging the homeowner's suspiciously-unscathed toolbox.
"Listen, you've got it all wrong; I, I didn't have time to read up on faucet repair," stammered Blertherberg, "I have work deadlines, and — "
"You've logged 78 minutes playing Space Candy Village on your phone just this morning."
"I just needed a few minutes of self-care — wait, how do you know that?"
"43 minutes on Twitter."
"..."
"Wallet," said the team lead, holding out a calloused hand.
Accepting his fate, the failure of a man and homeowner handed over his wallet with a defeated sigh. He could hear his wife's quiet sobs behind him and dared not look her in the eyes as one of the officers removed a metallic-gray card and placed it in his front coverall pocket.
"There's hope, Blertherberg," said the man, as his team hopped into the bed of an old pickup truck with the word "Manhood" stenciled on the door. "You know what must be done to earn back your man card. We're rooting for you."
As the door shut, Blake Blertherberg turned to his wife and asked, "Where's your honey-do list?"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
