FORT KNOX, KY — An audit by the Department Of Government Efficiency has revealed that all the heavy gold bars that were thought to be kept in the secure vault at Fort Knox have been replaced by thousands of little paper scraps with "IOU" hastily scrawled upon them.
An investigation team led by tech guru Big Balls was sent by DOGE to see whether or not the government still had in its possession the 147.3 million ounces of gold that Congress had been assured was "totally still there" and "definitely not stolen".
"The IOUs were handwritten. There were no names or contact information to be found on any of the papers," said Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent. "Early analysis indicates some of the handwriting might contain similarities to that of the former president's son Hunter Biden. We found other notes that seem to have been written by previous administration officials and various members of Congress."
The last audit of Fort Knox's gold reserves occurred in 1974. It remains unclear who left the IOUs and took all the gold.
At publishing time, Hunter Biden had been seen by several eyewitnesses trading an entire gold bar for an 8-ball of crack and some Flamin' Hot Cheetos.
Meet Devyn. The 16-year-old Chick-fil-A worker who has replaced the entire government.
