CUPERTINO, CA — Apple capped off its rollout day by announcing the first ever totally carbon-neutral Uyghur slave camp, to raucous cheers from those gathered in attendance.

"Let your conscience rest easy, knowing that the entire slave camp is one hundred percent carbon-neutral," said CEO Tim Cook. "Not an ounce of carbon will escape those camps - much like the child slaves working there."

Loud cheers broke out across the auditorium, the audience rising to its feet to give a standing ovation. "Carbon-neutral slaves! What will they think of next??" said onlooker Jamie Ruskin. "This will be an absolute game-changer for the industry. Slave labor has always felt icky because of the terrible carbon emission it produces. Apple has done it again!"

According to sources within Apple, the entire camp is designed to be carbon-neutral from the moment a slave is born to the moment they die. Each slave will receive a branding that says "I'm Carbon Neutral" as part of the rollout campaign.

At publishing time, Tim Cook had reportedly gone to personally survey the slave camp, declaring, "Mother nature will be pleased."

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