BELMONT, CA—Local man Fred Nadeau was rushed to San Mateo Medical Center Wednesday morning after the 28-year-old atheist cut himself on an edgy comment he posted on Facebook.
On a Christian Facebook page’s post about the power of prayer, Nadeau reportedly commented, “Power of prayer? Ha! I think you mean power of NOTHING because that’s all prayer is. Go cry to your magic sky daddy hahaha!”
As the man reached over to press the “enter” key, he sliced himself on the dangerously sharp edge of the scathing anti-religious comment. “Gah! Oh my Dawkins, that hurt! Aggggghhhh!!!” Blood poured from his wound as he fumbled for his phone to dial 9-1-1 before he passed out from the injury.
Paramedics rushed to the scene and discovered an unconscious Nadeau losing a dangerous amount of blood.
“This is pretty common,” an EMT responding to the emergency call told reporters. “In fact, the number one injury among atheists in this country is cutting themselves on edgy Facebook comments or Twitter replies.”
The medial professional recommended that atheists take proper precautions when posting edgy comments on social media. “Protect your hands, eyes, and face—there’s nothing sharper than the edge on a comment calling God a magic sky fairy or referring to religion as a mental disorder.” She also suggested that atheists could just refrain from posting edgy comments altogether, but acknowledged that was probably not going to happen anytime soon.
At publishing time, doctors were forced to cut Nadeau out of his fedora in order to relieve the pressure from his rapidly expanding head.