CUPERTINO, CA—As Apple CEO Tim Cook was hanging out in his office this morning, a red phone rang on his desk: the phone for which only President Xi Jinping has the number. Cook jumped up, dropped his guitar, and answered.
"Yes, what is it, Mr. Chairman, sir?" Cook asked. "Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yes, we'll get on it right away. Thank you very much Mr. Chairman, may you live forever."
Cook had reportedly been alerted to the fact that Taiwan existed on Apple Maps, a "grave oversight" according to China's president and dictator. Immediately, Cook ordered Taiwan completely erased from existence.
"Yeah, we, of course, had labeled it a province of China before at China's request, but just to be on the safe side, we're getting rid of it entirely," Cook told tech journalists, who applauded.
The space where Taiwan previously existed is now just open ocean labeled "An Ocean Where No Country Previously Ever Existed."
Cook offered a public apology to President Xi in Mandarin, saying, "We made a very big mistake, O Great Leader, and we apologize profusely. We love you, and particularly, your factories and children old enough to work in these factories. You are amazing and wonderful and we would never cheat on you with dumb ol' America."