Asian Americans Celebrate Affirmative Action Ruling With 5-Minute Study Break
U.S. · Jun 30, 2023 ·

IRVINE, CA — Jubilant revelry broke out yesterday following the U.S. Supreme Court's ruling against colleges using Affirmative Action policies in their admissions, with Asian American families celebrating by cutting loose with a five-minute study break.

"We're really letting it all hang out today!" said Stephen Chen. "An unprecedented court ruling calls for an unprecedented celebration. We've never let the kids have a break from their studies — especially not an entire five minutes!"

The ruling from the nation's highest court prevents colleges and universities from discriminating against applicants based on race or ethnicity, leading many to believe highly qualified Asian students will no longer be shut out in favor of filling quotas for students with other ethnic backgrounds. "Our kids could probably teach a lot of these college classes," said Jason Wong. "With colleges no longer being limited on the number of Asians they can accept, our children now have the amazing opportunities previously only afforded to kids who claimed to be oppressed."

Though some critics decried the court's ruling as damaging to minority students, others hailed the decision as a difference-maker for college video game competitions. "Having more Asian students will be a godsend for our Starcraft team," said college student William Moon.

At publishing time, the boisterous partying in the Asian-centric communities in the area was expected to stretch all the way until the break of 8 P.M., at which time the children would return to their studies of advanced astrophysics before meticulously cleaning their houses and going to bed early.

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