WASHINGTON D.C. — With Americans struggling as gasoline costs continue to soar, Congress assured citizens that it remained laser-focused on fixing the issues with the NCAA transfer portal.
According to Capitol Hill insiders, the House and Senate will reportedly spend the next several weeks working exclusively on rules for 18-year-old lacrosse players switching schools, saving the gasoline crisis for later.
"We're dealing with the most pressing issues facing our country," said Senator Maria Cantwell. "I know it's tough out there right now for working-class families, not being able to afford transportation to work. That's why we are working around the clock to limit NCAA athlete eligibility to five years, with no exception for injury waivers. Having a sixth-year quarterback transferring into a blue chip program for that final year of eligibility is ridiculous, and we won't stand for it."
While trying to decide if his family could still afford to vacation with gas at $5 per gallon, local man Jim Banks was thankful to know that Congress had cleared its agenda to work on putting guardrails on NIL deals. "Wow, that's great to hear. Thanks, Congress," said Banks. "We'll have to cancel our family vacation, but it will feel good sitting at home to know that our lawmakers have capped how much a college lineman can earn doing ads for ‘Wings ‘N More'. It's encouraging."
At publishing time, Congress had assured citizens it would tackle skyrocketing health insurance premiums as soon as it had finished deciding how much grant money to spend studying how fish perform on treadmills.
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