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Americans Unsure What To Think Until Jim Carrey Finishes Next Painting

U.S.—Recent surveys reveal that citizens of the United States are unable to form any kind of opinion on any topic until Jim Carrey does another painting. When asked where Americans stood on current events, 98% answered: "Will let you know after Jim Carrey finishes his next painting." 

Carrey's assistant says the actor turned artist is locked in a room full of canvases and expensive paints, wearing only his underwear and a white T-shirt, brushes protruding from between his fingers, teeth, elastic waistband, and even belly button. Reportedly Carrey will be in the room for many nights, only opening the window on occasion to scream at the moon and throw random items into his yard. "A lot of pounding and thrashing can be heard," Carrey's seventh butler told reporters. "We slip a vegan flatbread under the door every few hours to make sure he is well-fed, though he often just rubs it all over himself then squeezes it into his fist and punches holes in the drywall. These paintings are a real process for him."

With so many Americans stalling until Carrey releases another painting, the actor has turned down acting opportunities to make time for painting. "He doesn't want to waste his time being one of the funniest men in existence when what the world really needs is the frenzied paintings of an eccentric millionaire who has an unhealthy obsession with politics," his assistant said. "The last thing the world needs right now is laughter. What America is truly desperate for is another finger-painted image of Donald Trump naked and shrieking while pounding ice cream." 

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