U.S. — Americans were deeply disappointed upon learning today that the Biden presidency was not, in fact, an elaborate April Fool's joke.
"I was still holding out hope this was all a sick, twisted prank," said South Carolina man Denny Kingsley. "What a bummer."
Though a seemingly improbable hoax, Biden's unparalleled level of absurdity and incompetence began to make millions of Americans suspicious. "It just feels like it has to be a joke," said Ohio native Richard Adamson. "I mean, what else do you do with a president coming out to talk about a mass shooting, and saying he's just there for the ice cream? He can't form sentences, gets lost at his own house, and waves at dead people. How is this real??"
As another April first came and went, Americans resigned themselves to the reality of Joe Biden actually being president. "We scoured the nation for the man most fit to lead America - the most powerful country on earth - and we came up with Joe Biden," said Mr. Kingsley. "It's so hard to wrap my mind around that. Oh, well. Maybe next year we'll find out the truth."
At publishing time, Americans were dealt another blow as Netflix acquiring the rights to Narnia was also discovered to be a true story.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
