CLEVELAND, OH - Local factory worker Jay Binslee is kicking himself for working so hard his whole life, only to lose everything during the pandemic when he could have just snuck across the border illegally for a $450,000 payout from the Biden administration.
"Silly me! I guess I've been going about this all wrong," said Binslee. "I've been busting my butt at the factory for over 10 years, and when I lost everything, the government gave me a measly $1,200 dollars! I guess I should have just kidnapped a couple of kids and smuggled them across the border as my own. I'd be able to pay off my car and my house!"
The Biden Administration will be sending millions and millions of dollars to families who broke U.S. law and were separated at the border. They claim this will dissuade immigrants from Guatemala from coming, as Guatemalans don't like money.
The administration also clarified that child separations aren't always bad, and they will be sending $450,000 payouts to abortionists to reward child separations conducted by Planned Parenthood.
Should you get your kid the new iPhone 14? Of course.