U.S. — With presidential candidate Donald Trump now convicted of 34 felony charges, American voters are looking forward to choosing between a convicted felon and an unconvicted felon at the polls this November.
"I mean it's neat that Trump is a convicted felon. That makes him seem cool and dangerous," said Joe Schmorp, a generic, independent blue-collar voter from the Midwest. "But on the other hand, the fact that Joe Biden has managed to effectively conceal his felonies and escape conviction speaks to his legal prowess and competence."
"Such a tough decision."
Political experts confirm that while Trump's conviction for business records falsification may have helped him with some voters, Joe Biden's brilliant escape from charges for classified document mishandling, corruption, foreign bribery schemes, rape, and child molestation deserves some recognition as well. "Don't write off the unconvicted felon this November," said pollster Nate Silver.
Other Americans simply expressed gratitude for having such incredible choices on the presidential ticket. "You really can't go wrong with either of them," said another generic independent voter, also from the Midwest.
At publishing time, RFK tried to enter the conversation by reminding everyone about all the felonies his family members had never been convicted of.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
