U.S.—As the nation continues to become more and more divided, nostalgic Americans have reportedly begun to long for the halcyon days when the most pressing issue that threatened to rip the country apart was whether Sega or Nintendo made the best video games.
The wave of nostalgia for the simpler time comes at a moment when the nation is on the verge of total collapse thanks to arguments over literally everything, from politics and worldviews to religion and science.
“Remember when the only time we threatened each other with physical violence was when we were arguing whether the Genesis or the Super Nintendo had the best graphics?” one man in Connecticut said to a friend at a coffee shop Wednesday. “Good times, good times.”
“Sega was totally better, by the way,” he added. “Nintendo was for little diaper babies.” The pair then got into a heated argument over the issue for the next three hours. The man’s friend pointed out that “blast processing” was just a Sega marketing term, and that the SNES’s Mode 7 graphics represented a tangible improvement over the 8-bit era. The confrontation culminated in the die-hard Sega fan leaping onto the table and yelling, “GENESIS DOES WHAT NINTENDON’T!” before they were asked to leave.
Millions of other people throughout the country agreed that they wish we all could go back to the era when people of wildly different worldviews and political leanings could unite with one another, and the only thing we really argued about was whether Sonic the Hedgehog’s edgy mannerisms made him a more appealing mascot than Nintendo’s comparatively tame Mario.
“Can’t we all just get along?” a woman in California said. “Except, you know, Sega fans. They’re the worst.”