U.S. Descends Into Third-World Hellscape Where Amazon Delivers In Three Days Instead Of Two
Finance · Apr 1, 2020 · BabylonBee.com

U.S. - The U.S. has become an absolute hellscape, a terrifying place where you can't always get exactly what you want from Amazon in two days.

In fact, experts have reclassified the United States as a third-world country now that Amazon deliveries can take three days, a week, or even longer.

"It's basically Somalia at this point," said Kris Paulson, an essential oils representative from Washington state. "If I can't order something I decided that I absolutely need to have on a whim and have it arrive in 1-2 days, then the American dream is dead."

Similar tribulations and hardships have erupted all across the nation. Many people can't go hang out at Starbucks all day and now have to get their artisan coffee beverages exclusively via drive-thru. Many people had to settle for off-brand bread and milk. In one horror story that sounds as though it's straight out of a sub-Saharan African country, a family in Southern California said they have to order their premium steaks to go and eat them at home "like cavemen."

"The people who suffered through the bubonic plague have no idea the kind of sacrifices we've had to make here," Paulson continued. "If this keeps up, I'm going to move to a nicer place like Uganda."

Babylon Bee subscriber Jackson Baker contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!


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