HOLLYWOOD, CA—More and more movies have been utilizing CGI animals rather than going to the trouble and inherent risk of using real-life animal actors. CGI technology was revolutionized with films like Life of Pi, taking animated computer graphics to a new level of realism. Now movies with entire animal casts, such as Disney's Jungle Book and The Lion King, are cast entirely by animals that only exist in the imagination of the filmmakers.
One of the main reasons Hollywood has backed off on usage of real animals in motion pictures is to avoid maulings. But this backfired.
The city was disturbed by a menacing rumble on Tuesday. It was the sound of hooves and paws. The out-of-work animal actors were fed up and out for blood. Among the disgruntled nonhuman thespians were Bart the Bear (We Bought a Zoo), Moose (My Dog Skip), Orangey the Cat (Breakfast At Tiffany's), Mr. Chubbles the Chimp (Congo Heat 3), and Wutang the Orangutan (Ape In The Hood 2: Bust It). Other animals spotted were Missy the shaggy dog (Hotel For Dogs 9), Kimble The Tiger (Tyson: The Untold Legend), Thistle the Wolf (The Gray), and Hortensia the Penguin (Mr. Popper's Penguins, Batman Returns).
Police found themselves overwhelmed by the swarm of disgruntled primates, horses, birds, canines, felines, and even insects. Cars were overturned and weapons stolen by the crafty and charming but also very violent animals. "We put up a good fight but the tides really turned when the chimpanzees got ahold of our assault rifles," said the chief of Police, Garrett Carmine. "We lost a lot of good men today."
Drake McCreedy, the owner of Garbonzo, one of the chimpanzees at the scene (Fast and Furious: Jungle Fire) says the animals had to give up a fairly lavish lifestyle thanks to CGI. "Garbonzo used to drink four martinis a day. Now he just drinks White Claw. That really sets him off."
At the time of this report, the disgruntled creatures had placed the entire city on lockdown. The military has been called in, but nobody knows if they will have any luck against the enraged animals. "We've seen Planet of the Apes," said General McCall of the 14th Regiment. "We know this could end badly, not just for us, but for all of mankind."
McCall was then killed by a well-timed grizzly bear suplex.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.