WASHINTON, DC — In a stunning move from America's criminal system, all murderers on death row have been released into the public following President Biden's declaration that ‘no human is illegal'.
"He said it, plain as day," said DA Greg Foggins of Nevada. "There's nothing we can do. We must follow the orders of the Chief Executive of the US Government."
"I guess we'll just set them free and see what happens," Prison Warden Jeff Mckay told reporters. "Some of these fellows were in here for some pretty gruesome stuff…I don't want to tell you what ‘Feed Em' To The Crocks' Joe did to his entire extended family…but the President says no human is illegal so I guess these guys get to return to their homes and communities."
Following the President's widely panned slip of the tongue during the State of the Union in which he referred to the man who brutally murdered college student Laken Riley as ‘an illegal', Biden apologized for his remarks and said he'd do better not to dehumanize people who dehumanize people.
"I shouldn't have called him illegal," President Biden told reporters. "No human is illegal. Not even the bad ones, the ones in jail for stringing up their neighbors and murdering them slowly for sport. These are hardworking serial killers who are just trying to provide for their families…my opponent calls them ‘vermin' just for a little light torture and slaughter. I won't do that."
At publishing time, hundreds of thousands of death row inmates had been released from America's prisons as the President issued sweeping pardons for every crime previously thought illegal. Legal experts hailed the move as progressive and brave.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
