SANTA FE, NM — As part of an agreement with prosecutors to have the charges against him dropped, actor Alec Baldwin is now reportedly only allowed to hold out his finger as a gun in movies from now on.
"This is the only way to ensure the safety of the cast and crew," said Heather Brewer, spokesperson for the Santa Fe District Attorney's Office. "From this point forward, if Mr. Baldwin is portraying a character who is holding a firearm, he must hold out his index finger with his thumb pointed upward in the classic 'gun' pose and shout ‘BANG!' in lieu of firing blanks. He's an actor, after all, so he should be pretty good at pretending."
Baldwin had been charged in the unintentional shooting death of cinematographer Halyna Hutchins, and though prosecutors did make it known that charges may be re-filed in the future after further investigation, Baldwin was free to return to work on the set of the western film Rust. "We have advised producers of the film to be very careful about what props they allow Mr. Baldwin to hold," Brewer continued. "Should he accidentally strangle a fellow actor with a lasso or mistakenly stab a crew member in the throat with a pen, it will certainly raise some suspicion."
At publishing time, investigators were continuing to look into the shooting, though sources inside the D.A.'s office indicated the belief that Baldwin will not have to face any further criminal charges, as prosecutors believe being Alec Baldwin is punishment enough.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
