ANAHEIM, CA — The effects of cutbacks to public school funding for teaching children about the myriad types of gross deviants there are in the world began to be felt this week, as one five-year-old student was found not to know all the variant sexual lusts adults can have.
Young Logan Traylor was nearing the end of his kindergarten experience and, despite the public education system's best efforts, was discovered to have absolutely no knowledge about the shocking fetishes and perverted interests grown-ups engage in.
"It's a tragedy for a young child to start out with such innocence," said Dr. Gertrude Bellington, sociologist and proponent for sex education to begin at birth. "This young boy's mind is apparently completely untouched by kinky, adult material, which goes against everything we have been working toward as a society for the last few decades. This significantly reduces his chances of becoming a pervert by the time he reaches junior high. He may continue identifying as the same gender he was when he was born. He might even remain heterosexual. It's sad."
To make matters worse, Traylor's parents seemed perfectly fine with their son's lack of familiarity with adult sexual matters. "He's a kid," said the boy's father, Aaron, "He shouldn't know about that stuff. Honestly, I'm a grown-up and I wish I didn't know about any of that stuff."
At publishing time, a group of creepy teachers at Traylor's kindergarten were reportedly planning a last-ditch intervention to introduce him to gender theory, fetishes, and pornographic literature before the school year came to an end.
Brynnleigh is on a mission to stop America from becoming… well, America.
