U.S. — As summer ramped up heading into the important home stretch to the November presidential election, an alarming new study found that 33% of Americans are dumber than a bag of hammers.
News channel CNN conducted a poll asking viewers who won last night's debate between Joe Biden and Donald Trump, with a shocking 33% of people responding that they suffer from advanced cognitive impairment, officially placing them at or beyond the stupidity of a box of rocks.
"We can confirm over one-third of the country are drooling morons," said Dr. Bradford Doran, head of the research team conducting the poll. "While it's always been suspected that a significant number of Americans were mindless idiots, no one ever suspected that there were this many of them. It's fascinating and yet terrifying at the same time."
Experts confirmed that anyone who holds the opinion that Biden performed well enough in the debate to win could only be scientifically classified as a total imbecile. "It's true," Dr. Doran confirmed. "While people are entitled to their own opinions, anyone who honestly believes Biden won the debate can be clinically classified under the technical term ‘nincompoop.'"
Though many people were shocked by the study's findings, others were not taken aback whatsoever. "You've been out in public, right?" asked an unsurprised citizen Chad Gleiser. "You can't go fill up at the gas station without running across at least a few blithering oafs. It's not surprising at all that 33% of people in this country are as sharp as bowling balls."
At publishing time, results of the study also confirmed that a majority of the 33% work within the federal government in Washington, D.C.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
