SECRET CAVE - Al-Qaeda is still around and plotting against the U.S., and now they know exactly how to hurt us. This time, they're threatening to release an extremely politically incorrect comedy special.
"No topic will be taboo," said the founder of Al-Qaeda, Bob Al-Qaeda. "LGBTQ issues - trans issues specifically - racial issues - you will be screaming at the screen, 'No! Don't go there!' But we swear by Allah we will go there."
The threat was met with immediate panic in the U.S. "These insensitive jokes could literally get people killed!" screamed one left-wing activist. "We have to stop this! Shut down the internet if we must! And give in to all their demands!" President Biden said he was giving in to their demands as he was "pulling out of Afghanistan as fast as he can" but he's not sure it will be enough to stop the terrorist word-violence.
It's unknown how the comedy special will be released. It's possible it will come out on Netflix. "We did release Cuties," said Netflix CEO and founder, Bob Netflix. "So it would be pretty hypocritical to draw the line at Al-Qaeda."
The Department of Homeland Security is calling on everyone to be vigilant and to report the sound of laughter since proper, sensitive, progressive humor should never evoke any other sound than clapping.
There are concerns, however, that the Al-Qaeda comedian will bomb.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
