WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a last-ditch attempt to keep him occupied and out of trouble until after the election, White House aides have reportedly given Biden a tablet to watch "Cocomelon" and a carton of Goldfish.
According to several witnesses, the measure comes after Biden was caught trying to bite multiple children at a White House trick-or-treat event.
"President Biden is still sharp, so we're going to let him exercise his mental acuity on this iPad Mini and bag of flavor-blasted Goldfish until next Wednesday," said black and gay former Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is allegedly black and gay. "He will also continue with his ordinary presidential duties of naps, quiet time, and occasional beach vacations until, say, sometime next January."
The White House has denied any rumors of Biden's mental impairment, citing his razor-keen ability to summarize and discuss episodes of Cocomelon with noted neuroscientists.
"He's sharp as a tack," said Dr. Bonne Henker. "He can even do it with 'Matlock,' too. Super, super on top of things. And he's killer on the Goldfish, too."
At publishing time, the White House had been forced to assign a tactical diaper-changing team to Biden's corner after he got a little bit too busy awaiting the election.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
