If you're a regular American who heard President Joe Biden refer to half the country as "garbage" the other day, you may be wondering to yourself: "Am I a garbage?"
Well, wonder no longer, for we at the Babylon Bee have consulted the experts to determine the clearest signs of whether or not someone is garbage. Do you fit any of them? Take a look:
You've had fewer than 11 Covid booster shots: Wow. You're trash.
You've never burned an American flag: Do you even love democracy, trash-boy?
You do this weird thing where you pay for merchandise before leaving the store with it: What sort of festering bag of refuse does this?
You don't try to load a shotgun through its butt during a photo-op: You disgusting, rancid load of slop.
Your wife doesn't have a boyfriend: Gross. How old-fashioned of you.
Your husband doesn't have a boyfriend: Classic garbage move.
You came to life when radioactive ooze was dumped on an old bag of garbage and you crawled your way out of the dumpster and are now determined to kill whoever made you a terrible reality: Wow. Literal garbage.
You don't have pronouns listed in your email signature: Now your pronouns are Trash/Trash's.
You're not a Dallas Cowboys fan: Ewww, so icky!
You don't want to subsidize someone else's gender studies degree: Gross — you're so foul.
You judge people by the content of their character: Martin Luther King would be ashamed of you, racist.
You think Rings Of Power is an abomination: It's a work of art — get over it, Philistine.
You follow the laws, pay your taxes, provide for your family, contribute to society, and go to church: Garbage is as garbage does.
Well, there you go. Do you match up with any of these signs? Get out of here, garbage person.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
