WASHINGTON, D.C. - After hearing from his advisors that the Texas Republicans are exactly like the Taliban, President Biden immediately offered an unconditional surrender to them.
"Oh man, they're exactly like the Taliban? I surrender!" a frightened Biden said after one of his cabinet members quipped that the "backward" Republicans in Texas are "just like the Taliban." "I will give them whatever they want. Weapons? They're theirs. Military vehicles and vessels? You got it, Jack. Pallets of cash? Whatever!"
"Whatever their demands are, fine. The country is now under the control of the Republicans of Texas. May God have mercy on us all."
Biden then held a somber press conference where he let the nation know that we have lost yet another war on his watch and that he wanted to be the first to welcome "our new Republican overlords."
Unfortunately, all the Texas Republicans really wanted was to be left alone and for Biden to stop killing babies, and that was one thing he wasn't willing to give up.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
