WASHINGTON D.C. — The FBI announced today that after an extensive investigation, the bureau has at last concluded that President John F. Kennedy was, in fact, struck by a bullet.
"While we initially thought that Kennedy may have been hit by a piece of glass or perhaps an ill-timed spitwad, after sixty years of reviewing video footage, we now believe Kennedy's head exploded due to being hit by a bullet," explained FBI Director Christopher Wray. "Our crack team of investigators has been working around the clock for decades, and we are proud to have at last solved the mystery of what struck the man whose head exploded after a gun was shot at him."
According to sources, the case has stumped the FBI for years as agents sought to make sense of a gun being shot, bullets being recovered, and a man's head being blown off. "I just can't connect the dots here. What could have possibly hit Kennedy?" wrote retired Agent Dan Rogers, the previous lead investigator. "There's this loud 'bang,' a man with a gun, and a dead guy. Ah, the answer is so elusive. Think, Dan, think!"
The breakthrough reportedly happened when a new investigator was brought in from outside the agency, who proposed a radical new theory that the bullet fired from the gun was directly connected to the head exploding. "My word, Johnson! You've untangled the web of mystery!" shouted an exuberant Director Wray. "A bullet! The riddle of what hits a man's head after a bullet is shot at him from a rifle has at last been solved. To think, the answer has been right under our noses this whole time!"
At publishing time, the FBI had retracted their conclusion, saying it was still too early to tell for sure and it would be a mistake to rush the decision.
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