EAST OF EDEN — After watching his wife unwrap a present from every human on the face of the earth, Adam started to become suspicious that Eve had made up this whole "Mother's Day" celebration.
"It just seems a bit contrived," said Adam. "That's all I'm going to say, okay?"
Adam admitted to being resistant to the concept of "Mother's Day" from the outset, being totally unfamiliar with the concept of even having a mom. "We all have baggage from our family of origin that we bring into marriage," said Adam. "Me, for example - my family of origin consisted of being formed out of dust by Almighty God, so I never had a mom. I didn't even know what a 'mom' was until my mid-thirties. The whole notion is so totally foreign to me."
For her part, Eve steadfastly insisted that Mother's Day is both very real and very mandatory. "DID YOU HEAR WHAT THE CURSE WAS, ADAM??" yelled Eve. "I'm sooo sorry it's hard for you to grow crops now. My pain was multiplied! MULTIPLIED!! I better see some flowers by sundown, or so help me there won't be one more human on this planet!"
At publishing time, Adam had decided to come up with a day called "Father's Day" where everyone on earth was required to leave him alone.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
