WASHINGTON, D.C.—Only a few days after her confirmation to the Supreme Court, Justice Amy Coney Barrett is already making much-needed changes to a messy and undisciplined group of 9 justices. Today, the young and energetic mother of seven children hung up a chore chart on the wall behind the bench to help organize important tasks such as cleaning, ironing, and writing dissenting opinions.
"My goodness, I've never seen a place in such a state," she said as she walked into a courtroom littered with pizza boxes, dirty socks, and sticky handprints. Over in the corner, Justice Elena Kagan hid a box of crayons behind her back, trying to hide the fact that she had been writing on the wall. "My goodness Clarence! When's the last time you cleaned and ironed your robe? I just won't stand for this!"
Justice Barrett then hung a chore chart on the wall to provide a handy visual reminder of what chores needed to be done and which justices were slacking off.
At the time of publication, Justice Breyer currently has the best record with a whopping 7 gold stars on the chart. "I'm helping!" said Justice Breyer proudly as he jumped up and down with a happy smile.
"He's my little helper," said ACB to sources. "Now if I can just get Justice Roberts over there to pull his weight, I think we'll be in good shape."