U.S. — In response to mounting lawsuits over journalistic malpractice, ABC has decided to add a ticker telling viewers that for legal purposes, no one should ever believe anything said on their news programs.
The ticker will run on all ABC News broadcasts, any show where any network journalists open their mouths, and will always be running on the ABC News website.
"Nothing we say should ever be taken as having the slightest hint of truth to it whatsoever," said ABC News executive Darryl Ross at a press conference announcing the change. "For legal purposes, every word our anchors say should be taken as a lie or perhaps a hilarious joke. We hope this clears up any misunderstanding about us maybe telling the truth. Also, please stop suing us."
According to sources, ABC came up with the plan after noticing that sometimes confused viewers thought that journalists were giving accurate accounts of events. "That's our bad," explained ABC News anchor David Muir. "While I thought it was abundantly obvious that I was making up everything I say, we should have been clear from the outset. This ticker should really save us a lot of headaches."
At publishing time, ABC News had announced that to be extra safe, all of their journalists would begin wearing little signs around their necks warning people to not believe anything they say.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
