WORLD—Thousands of scientists around the world are looking for new work after they realized the science is settled and there was no need for them anymore.
"The science is settled," said climatologist Blorg Norbergrobben as he hung his head sadly. "I heard that on CNN. What am I going to do with my life now that all knowledge has been uncovered and will never be overturned by new discoveries? Maybe I'll get a job as a political advisor!"
Experts have indeed found that the science is settled on climate change, infectious diseases, gender, the origin of biological life, sociology, nutrition, and pretty much every other scientific discipline the government is still willing to fund.
Most scientists have taken new jobs as politicians and media personalities so they can assure the public about how incredibly settled the science is.
One scientist tried to insist that the science wasn't settled, but he was labeled as a "science denier" and kicked off social media.