The Winter Olympics have long labored in the shadows of the Summer Olympics, boring and under-loved. With just half the viewership of the Summer games, the Winter Olympics is in dire need of bold changes. Here are 9 easy fixes to instantly make it more entertaining:
Every athlete in every event gets one of those biathlon guns: Game on.
All competitions performed on ice will be moved to a pond that is beginning to thaw: There's nothing like watching a speedskater go headfirst into the drink.
Introduce competitive snow angel making: BUT WITH GUNS.
Do the exact same games as in the Summer Olympics, but on ice: We're all in for javelin on ice.
Each nation gets one RPG per Olympic games to randomly fire at a competitor: The suspense will be so epic.
Cross country skiers get tauntauns: So much cooler, and an ever-present protection from hypothermia.
If you win a head-to-head gold medal match, you get to take over that country: Alpine skiing means just a little more when you might get conquered by Norway.
Set a polar bear loose on the ice at beginning of each figure skating routine: "She lands the triple axel, but--oh no! She's been mauled by a bear!"
For curling, change absolutely nothing, it's perfect as is: Well, except for the GUNS.
With these easy fixes, the Winter Olympics will be trouncing Summer in no time.
Coming soon to a Democrat-controlled city near you!
