Yesterday we brought you nine signs you're watching too much CNN. Lest you say we're not fair and balanced, we consulted the experts and compiled these nine symptoms of watching too much Fox News:
1. You give your wife the "Tucker Carlson" look while she's talking. If you've ever gotten in trouble for staring at your wife with Carlson's patented Resting Baffled Face™, you might be watching too much Fox News.
2. You start thinking maybe you need SeaBond denture cream. Those commercials start to sound pretty good late at night.
3. Sean Hannity is starting to look attractive. Oh no. Turn it off immediately!
4. The other people in the old folks' home say, "Hey, Gilbert! Turn off the Fox News already!" If your fellow members of the Greatest Generation think you're watching too much, turn the ol' tube off and go play some shuffleboard.
5. You instinctively add the phrase "may he live forever" every time you say "Donald Trump". Like a kneejerk reaction.
6. Your crazy uncle's rants at Thanksgiving are starting to make a lot of sense. You start thinking, "You know what? Uncle Fred actually makes some really good points."
7. You're not aware of a single good thing Biden has done. Well, to be fair...
8. You call everything you don't like "woke" or "cancel culture". Morning traffic? Woke. Decaf coffee? Cancel culture! Marvel movies? Woke AND cancel culture!
9. Your bedroom pillow, your throw pillows, and your couch cushions are all MyPillows. Oh no! You've been brainwashed!
Remember -- if you're watching too much Fox News, there is hope. Just get your fake news from The Babylon Bee instead.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
