Much has been made about the student protesters occupying spaces on college campuses recently -- but what do these masked, wanna-be revolutionaries actually want? The Babylon Bee has obtained the following list of completely reasonable demands being made by students occupying campus buildings:
- Later bedtimes: And no more naps!
- Dunkaroos: With extra creme. They never give enough creme.
- For the Jews to just stand still, surrender, and agree to be eradicated: And no defending themselves. That's not fair.
- Some Red Vines: Get out of here with your Twizzler offers.
- No accountability or consequences for anything they do or say at any point in their lives: Obviously.
- Several pints of Ben & Jerry's "From the River to the Sea, Palestine Will Be Free" Pistachio Ice Cream: Freeing the people of Gaza one scoop at a time.
- That campus be designated a gun-free, banana-free, and Jew-free zone: It's just common sense.
- An extra 30 minutes of screen time on weekends: Schindler's List is a long movie, okay?
- The total dismantling of all Western society and also some Pop-Tarts: Frosted strawberry and the complete end of the Western world. Delicious.
As soon as these demands are met, the protesters have agreed to keep rooting for the destruction of Israel and America, but back in their dorm rooms. Your move, University President!
NOT SATIRE: FOOD SHORTAGES AHEAD
ARE YOU PREPARED?
Food shortages are on the horizon.
Cyberattacks on our food systems. Severe weather destroying crops. Heavy regulations on our farmers and ranchers. And increasing geopolitical instability threatens the supply chain.
Should just one thing go wrong, it could quickly send society into a panic as people race to stock up on essentials. Eventually, store shelves will empty. And those who are not prepared will go hungry.
My Patriot Supply makes it easy to ensure your family is fed no matter what comes your way. Their 4-Week Emergency Food Kit is perfect for getting started.
Filled with 16 food and drink varieties that offer more than 2,000 calories every day, you'll have the energy you need to get through any crisis. All you'll need is water and heat to easily prepare and enjoy delicious meals, sides, snacks, desserts, and drinks.
Stored in stackable buckets, these meals are designed to last up to 25 years so they're ready when you are. Enjoy them now or in the years to come.
Click below to get $50 OFF their 4-Week Emergency Food Kit today!
DECLARE YOUR FOOD INDEPENDENCE »
BIG NEWS: We made a movie, and you can watch the trailer NOW: