The importance of a father in a young boy's life cannot be overstated. There's just certain knowledge that can only be imparted to a boy by his father, and if that doesn't happen, society will crumble.
The Babylon Bee is here to save civilization with the following list of the most important things every father must teach his sons:
- How to get all goals in one run of the Warehouse in Tony Hawk's Pro Skater: Nothing will set him up for success in life like this.
- How to look manly while driving a minivan: It's a challenging skill to develop, but it can be done.
- Communism is gay: This was once taught in all history books. Now it's up to you.
- How to open your wife's Amazon boxes with a pocket knife: This is a vital skill as it will occupy most of his time as an adult.
- How to go over to a man with his car hood open and point at stuff on the engine even though you don't know what you're looking at: All quality men know how to do this.
- How to start a fire with nothing but an entire bottle of lighter fluid and a butane lighter: The same way man has been making fire for thousands of years.
- How to finish your podcast episode with strategic trips to the bathroom: It's an art form.
- How to mow the lawn with those cool lines: You can tell a lot about a man by his yard.
- Han shot first: Only gay communists will tell you otherwise.
Making sure your son knows everything on the list above will set him up to be a productive member of society.
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Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.