NEW YORK, NY — New York District Attorney Letitia James followed through on her threat to seize the property of Trump by grabbing up the former president's estate, Mar-a-lago. The top lawyer for the Big Apple then turned around and sold the property for $740 million.
"Some say I flipped the estate for 100% profit, but they're wrong," said James, "Since the property was assessed at $18 million by esteemed, incorruptible, real estate expert Judge Arthur Engoron, the state of New York came out with a profit of 4,100%."
Former President Donald Trump argued vehemently against the actions of DA Letitia James, saying she actually sold Mar-a-lago at a loss, claiming it was actually worth $30 billion-trillion.
"She's a horrible real estate businesswoman, to be honest," said Trump, "Plus she's really, really fat. I wouldn't date her even if she were selling Trump Tower back to me for a penny!"
At publishing time, New York Mayor Eric Adams had announced that, thanks to huge profits from the Mar-a-Lago seizure/sale, illegal immigrants would now each receive an American Express Black Card.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
