After flying to D.C. to purportedly sign a mineral rights deal, Ukrainian President Volodomyr Zelensky wound up being kicked out of the White House until further notice. Not good!
President Trump has issued a list of eight demands that Zelensky must meet in order to be allowed back on White House grounds:
Purchase a tuxedo t-shirt for formal events: It's a step in the right direction.
Spell out "I'm sorry" on the White House lawn with rare earth minerals: Ideally while Zelensky stands crying with a boombox over his head.
Arrange a special screening with all the other actors in Paddington: Trump loves that little bear.
Say one nice thing about Vladimir Putin: Just suck it up and say Putin looks good shirtless on a horse.
Learn how to cuss in English: We strongly prefer to be cursed at in our national language.
Bring two Big-Macs with Extra Large fries: Not for a particular reason, Trump was just hungry when he made this list.
Call your buddy Ben Stiller and tell him to please dye the gray out of his hair: It looks terrible.
Bring back ten of the dollars from the $100 billion in aid that he "doesn't know the location of": Shouldn't be that hard.
Just eight simple tasks and we can put this whole affair behind us. Your move, Zelensky.
An elite force from DOGE uncovers the most absurd waste of taxpayer dollars.
