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80% Of News Feed Utterly Incomprehensible To Man Who Doesn't Follow Sports

ROCKVILLE, MD—Sources confirmed Monday night that approximately 80% of the content on Facebook and Twitter was utterly incomprehensible to local man Brett Wilkers, since he doesn't follow any professional or college sport.

While the occassional tweet and post made sense, the vast majority of the content he scrolled through while relaxing on his couch Monday evening was "like an alien language."

"What's a 'bama'—isn't that a brand of Kombucha?" he asked his wife as he scrolled through tweet after tweet covering some sports game he doesn't care about. "Hey babe, looks like Clemson is trending. That's that new movie with Jason Momoa, right? We should go see that this weekend."

"And why is everybody talking about the SEC right now? Did something big happen at the Securities & Exchange Commission again? Man, these people on my feed must be really into finance!"

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