GOSHEN, IN — According to sources, 8-year-old Kylee Carmen is being tucked into bed by her exhausted mother, but needs a few things before she can go to sleep. The first is a glass of water in her favorite princess cup, and the second is a satisfactory explanation for why we can still call God "good" even when bad things happen in the world.
"Mommy, how can God be good when there is death and sadness?" said Kylee to her beleaguered mother. "And how do I know I'm real and the whole world isn't fake? And you say we're not allowed to hate people, but are we allowed to hate Satan? And when I go to heaven will I have a kid's body or a grown-up body? And would I still be alive in a different body if you never met Daddy? And would you still love me if I was never born? And why doesn't God stop sin right now if he can do anything he wants? And when God made the universe, where did he put it? And what are electrons made of? And what's your favorite name for a platypus?"
Eyewitnesses say the bleary-eyed mother gave her best attempt at giving satisfactory answers to all her daughter's questions, only to be told none of the answers were sufficient. "Mom, I think you're making that up," Kylee said skeptically. "My water is too warm. Can you get me more cold water?"
Sadly, by the time the mother returned with another glass of water, Kylee was fast asleep, her questions still unanswered.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
