Preaching well is a lost art. Fortunately for you, we at The Babylon Bee are determined to help you reclaim it.
Liberally employ these eight tested and true sermon preparation hacks, and your congregation will be gushing about your Spurgeon-esque skills in hushed tones of reverence in no time.
1.) Start with the meaning you want, and contort the Bible passage to fit. The problem with building your sermon around a passage of Scripture is that you might come to some, shall we say, uncomfortable conclusions. But if you start with the conclusion you want and just mangle the Bible passage to fit, you don't have to worry about tickin' anyone off!
2.) Open Logos Software, then minimize it while you kill time on Facebook for a few hours. Open Logos or your favorite Bible program, and then immediately hide that sucker and just browse your social network of choice for hours on end. Trust us: God will give you some great sermon ideas while you watch funny cat videos.
3.) Binge-watch Battlestar Galactica. Even the greatest preachers have gotten stuck in a sermon writing rut. What did Whitefield, Edwards, and Spurgeon turn to when their creative well had run dry? BSG of course! The show is packed so full of rich metaphors and deep theological implications that your creative juices will be flowing like the blood of those dastardly Cylons.
4.) Spend the majority of your prep time worrying about the way you look. You don't really think Jesus is glorified by a polo shirt, khaki pants, and your lame haircut you've had since high school, do you? 90% of sermon preparation should be trying on various outfits and searching the internet for the latest fashion trends. This will pay many more dividends than studying the Word of God ever will.
5.) Beer. Lots of beer. Who ever heard of an effective sermon that was written without a good buzz going? According to Jonathan Edwards' personal diary, the famed preacher downed a six-pack of Ballast Point's best IPA just before writing Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God.
6.) Don't prepare anything. Instead, just open to a random page when you get to the pulpit. You've got to give God room to move after all. If you open to a passage and realize you have no idea what it means, just go back to step #1 and eisegete the text on the spot. It's easier than you think!
7.) Consider using a memorable prop, like a light machine gun or a bazooka.Literally three billion sermons are preached every Sunday, and no one remembers any of them - except the handful of sermons that utilized a good object lesson, like an M249 machine gun or a bazooka. Fire one of those puppies up into the air, and there's zero chance that anyone in your audience ever forgets your powerful message.
8.) If all else fails, just steal someone else's sermon off the internet. If you've got 30 minutes until service and you're still staring at a blank Word document, hop online and steal the first sermon you can find. Most of the famous preacher dudes are total suckers, and they've uploaded many of their sermons word for word! LOL!
Stick these eight tips in your sermon prep quiver, and you'll be seeing revival in your church like crazy! Now get to it - Sunday's a-comin'!