As you may know, our government just passed a very important and necessary omnibus spending bill to make sure all the important government activities remain funded! Whew, what a relief!
We forced an unpaid intern to read all 4,155-page bill and report on some of the most essential programs being funded! Here they are:
- $20 Million to teach transgender Argentinian farmers how to use TikTok: So very important. TikTok needs their voice.
- $3 million to hire more guards for the ark of the covenant: Rumor has it Epstein's client list is in there.
- $18 billion to cover Martha's Vineyard's new immigrant-deflecting dome: It's the compassionate thing to do.
- $500 million to figure out what's in the omnibus bill: Our unpaid intern already did it for free so we're not sure why this is needed. We're sure the government knows what it's doing.
- $8 billion to groom undocumented immigrant kids: Immigrants should have access to all the same grooming that American kids get in public school!
- $12 million to figure out how to make COVID even deadlier: This is very important for science.
- $100 billion to study inflation: What even causes it? Hopefully, they find out!
- $31 Billion to shoot all the cows: It is Greta Thunberg's wish. So let it be written, so let it be done.
- $1 million for research into Greta Thunberg comebacks on Twitter: She only has a meager team of 12 working on this.
- $70 billion to figure out why kids love the taste of cinnamon toast crunch: We just LOVE science, don't you?
- $2 million to outfit Zelensky with more sweet olive drab sweaters: He looks so dreamy in those.
- $1.00 for the claw game in the rotunda: Thomas Massie needs something to do while his staffers are reading omnibus bills.
- $100 million for the launch of Jan6+, the all-January-6th cable network: Finally, giving the people what they want!
- $1 billion to study the environmental impact of lighting $1 billion on fire: Whatever the impact, we're sure it's totally worth it.
Wow! Thanks for taking care of us, Government! We look forward to seeing what's in next month's spending bill!
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Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.