A wise man once said that the single greatest cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips—and then walk out the door and deny him with their lack of fashion sense. This rampant hypocrisy is even more serious when we’re talking about pastors who can’t seem to dress to save their lives, even though it’s one of the most important disciplines shepherds are called to master in order to serve God’s church and win people to Christ.
Luckily for you, The Babylon Bee is here to help. Pass these fashion tips on to your pastor to help him keep his style game on point. You get bonus points if you print this article out and stick it in the offering plate along with a strongly worded comment card this Sunday.
1.) Wear flannel everything. And we do mean everything. Shirts, hats, scarves, beards, boxers, briefs—make sure you are covered head to toe in flannel, so people will know you’re both stylish enough to preach the gospel and rugged enough to go cut down a tree or two if you have to.
2.) If your pants aren’t cutting off your circulation, they’re not tight enough. If you can walk without looking like a duck learning how to waddle, you need to go down a size or three. Besides, how will you hit the notes in all those Chris Tomlin songs the worship leader plays without your trusty pair of skinnies?
3.) Rock a secular band T-shirt so everyone knows you’re not too stuffy. Sport a Red Hot Chili Peppers tee while you’re preaching, or slip into a pre-faded Zeppelin concert shirt while you’re teaching life groups. This way, people think you probably have a pretty wild testimony filled with drugs and rock & roll, but more importantly, they know you’re not too judgmental like some of those weirdo pastor guys.
4.) Switch things up once in a while with a full set of Crusader armor. The number one sin for pastoral fashion is falling into the same old rut. You need to keep the buzz about your wardrobe going. Keep people guessing this Sunday by slipping into a fashionable, full-on set of period-authentic Knight’s Templar armor, complete with helmet, chain mail, tunic, and a rockin’ sword and shield.
5.) Sport a three-piece suit, just like the apostles did. The second Jesus ascended into heaven, the apostles sprinted to the nearest factory suit outlet and got fitted for Italian suits at great discount prices. Preachers have followed, well, suit ever since. Any preacher that can’t rock a three-piece is probably a heretic anyway.
6.) Fanny packs are back in style. Trust us on this one. Rockin’ the f-pack signals to everyone that you’re both ahead of the fashion curve and extremely practical. Where else are you going to carry your tweezers, Altoids, and ChapStick while you preach the Word?
7.) Just preach in your underwear, for the ultimate “authentic” look. The one requirement Paul lists for elders in the New Testament is that they be super-transparent and authentic. We’re looking for real, genuine brokenness. Preaching nearly nude lets people know you’re putting your vulnerable self out there and saying, “Here I am—nothing to hide!” No fake people here at this church, nosiree!
Pastors are often overworked, stressed, and depressed. Sharing this article with a pastor might be the best thing that happens to him all day—and might change his life, and the lives of countless other souls, forever. The power is in you to make that happen!
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